Masterchef Recipe Ideas

Idea 1
For her starter, Pernicious is cooking black mermaids covered in mustard.
Her main consists of chargrilled elephant bladder with confit oesophagus, a train ticket puree and Coors Light jus, accompanied by breaded glove on a bed of Brita-filtered marrowfat peas.
Idea 2
Delacroix is cooking a handful of earthworms, marinated in safety pins with chervil and linseed,
boiled in One Coat gloss emulsion from B&Q, and served with loaded dice, ground horse teeth and confit of the nipples.
To start, he’ll serve corn on the cob flung out of an upstairs window, onto a watercress and West Wing box set salad.
Idea 3
Allspice is constructing some meat steps, with a tweed bisque, a dead skin tuille and Pocky bannisters.
Idea 4
Orrery is cooking a fennel insurance scheme, marinated in a cervix and cement reduction, served with diced porcelain, salted benefit claimants and a hot crab.
For dessert, he’ll whisper quietly into your ear while spooning individual skittles into your mouth.
Idea 5
The population of Winchester is cooking a large bat in between two heated tube train doors, served on a teleported onion, Pogs three ways (melted, whole, blessed), and suspicious fish eyes, all drenched in an imaginary jus with silly croutons.
For dessert, the entire town will perform Les Miserables with home-made shortbread.
Idea 6
Slippery Pete is ignoring his parents’ advice, while fishmongers perform an ancient fertility ritual, a dirty boy rolls freshly dug beetroots across a lubricated surface, and Jenna Jameson plays drums.
For the main course, he’s constructing a scale model of the Dorchester hotel out of Hydrogen molecules and serving it on a slab of reformed ham.
Idea 7
Everyone you know and love is projectile vomiting into an airing cupboard, while Ringo Starr narrates porn through a loud-hailer and Jilly Goolden maintains eye contact with your Dad. To accompany, they’ll be breading golf balls and driving them from the 9th at Gleneagles, served on a bed of dead kestrels.


For dessert, you can’t look directly at anyone you speak to for the rest of the week, with custard.

Best of 2014 Part 2

As promised, here is part 2 of my 2014 underwear drawer.

Part 1 was a more sombre affair (listen to it here), full of melancholy tunes, eerie electronica and avant-garde noise. This creature brings together a bunch of last year’s more dance-floor friendly lingerie, including some amazing second-hand tights from Bourbonese Qualk and Liaisons Dangereuse.

It’s mostly machinist techno and no wave from the likes of Silent Servant, An-I and Kangding Ray but there’s also a squirt of rock ‘n’ roll panties from Perfect Pussy; some day-glo electro knickers from Maria Minerva and Peaking Lights; downbeat garters from Swans and Tony Allen; and misshapen sports bras from Actress and Hieroglyphic Being.

Sniff them, hold them close, think of your loved ones.

I played a lot of this stuff at various Kling Klang nights throughout the year, so you may recall some of the musty odours and unsightly stains if you were in attendance.

As with Part 1, the mix closes with my absolute special favourite little pink pants that make my bum look good. Shackleton’s Freezing Opening Thawing never failed to excite, with absolutely no VPL.

Here’s to 2015.

Kiss me.