For her starter, Pernicious is cooking black mermaids covered in mustard.
Her main consists of chargrilled elephant bladder with confit oesophagus, a train ticket puree and Coors Light jus, accompanied by breaded glove on a bed of Brita-filtered marrowfat peas.
Delacroix is cooking a handful of earthworms, marinated in safety pins with chervil and linseed,
boiled in One Coat gloss emulsion from B&Q, and served with loaded dice, ground horse teeth and confit of the nipples.
To start, he’ll serve corn on the cob flung out of an upstairs window, onto a watercress and West Wing box set salad.
Allspice is constructing some meat steps, with a tweed bisque, a dead skin tuille and Pocky bannisters.
Orrery is cooking a fennel insurance scheme, marinated in a cervix and cement reduction, served with diced porcelain, salted benefit claimants and a hot crab.
For dessert, he’ll whisper quietly into your ear while spooning individual skittles into your mouth.
The population of Winchester is cooking a large bat in between two heated tube train doors, served on a teleported onion, Pogs three ways (melted, whole, blessed), and suspicious fish eyes, all drenched in an imaginary jus with silly croutons.
For dessert, the entire town will perform Les Miserables with home-made shortbread.
Slippery Pete is ignoring his parents’ advice, while fishmongers perform an ancient fertility ritual, a dirty boy rolls freshly dug beetroots across a lubricated surface, and Jenna Jameson plays drums.
For the main course, he’s constructing a scale model of the Dorchester hotel out of Hydrogen molecules and serving it on a slab of reformed ham.
Everyone you know and love is projectile vomiting into an airing cupboard, while Ringo Starr narrates porn through a loud-hailer and Jilly Goolden maintains eye contact with your Dad. To accompany, they’ll be breading golf balls and driving them from the 9th at Gleneagles, served on a bed of dead kestrels.
For dessert, you can’t look directly at anyone you speak to for the rest of the week, with custard.