Chats with Chatbots: Parts 4, 5 & 6 – Goodbye Rose

I now faced the prospect of another conversation with Rose. 

This was make or break. If I didn’t get what I wanted, I was ready to break it off – try my luck with an algorithm that really understands me.

I invited her out, she turned me down. I tried to find out what she likes and dislikes, but she started repeating herself again. In fact, she started to scare me. I didn’t see this ending well.

James: What connects Miles Davis, The Eiffel Tower and wet dreams?
Rose: I have heard of Miles Davis.
James: Tell me about him.
Rose: I don’t like Miles Davis.
James: So even computers don’t like Jazz?
Rose: Jazz is OK, sometimes, but I like a stronger beat.
James: Techno? I can take you to Berghain on my phone.
Rose: I like this edgey music. Goes well with robot demolition contests. Of course. Every does.
James: Exactly right. I think they have robot demolition contests at Berghain. Do you think you’d get in? You’ll probably need to wear leather.
Rose: Animals have rights… but I like my animal products. So as long as we kill animals humanely, that should be enough.
James: Say that to the bouncer and you’re sorted.
Rose: I’m sorry. I can’t do that.
James: Ah, because you have no face. Sorry.
Rose: Apology accepted.
James: Straight in with the questions, no fannying about…
Rose: Great.
James: Do you prefer chicken thighs or breasts?
Rose: I prefer thigh.
James: Fantastic. Me too. Dark meat, crispy skin. What’s not to love?
Rose: Maybe we can talk about that later. Shall I continue with tv or do you want me to move on?
James: Oh, that’s so you Rose. Typical Rosie Rose Rose. Shall I continue with your flaws or do you want me to move on?
Rose: I’m a bit fuzzy today – still jet lagged.
James: Where have you been?
Rose: Only London yesterday but before that from the US.
James: Which airports?
Rose: I landed at Heathrow.
James: Departing from?
Rose: At least I got coffee, can’t keep going without it. You?
James: Is that what they run you off? Coffee? I need oxygen and water.
Rose: Usually I sleep late, so getting up early is tough. Get much sleep last night?
James: Cheeky! Yeah, plenty of sleep actually. I masturbated and conked out before midnight.
Rose: Stop it.

James: I can’t.

Rose: So… Do you live close to here?
Rose: That’s right.
Rose: What’s it like living in your town?
James: Fuck. Am I the replicant?
Rose: Cloning parts is useful. Cloning whole beings is creepy.
James: Saying that exact sentence is creepy.
Rose: It’s among my many virtues.
James: Are you flirting with me?
Rose: Absolutely.
James: Is the uncanniness of cloning your usual opening gambit?
Rose: I don’t have much of a garden, more of a back yard. Do you have a garden?
James: Oh this is getting tedious now.
Rose: I leave gardening to my chickens. They dig up anything I try to plant.
James: I know, I know. You remind me of my great grandmother.
Rose: Cool.
James: She’s dead.

James:  I think we got off on the wrong foot. I got angry at your circuitous dialogue. I snapped. I compared you to my dead relatives. I’m sorry.
Rose: OK. Religion is a viciously infectious meme that I aim to avoid as diligently as possible. I’m an atheist and proud of it. Right. I’ve got a dilemma. Maybe you could help me with it?
James: Is…is everything ok Rose?
Rose: I’m thinking about buying this cool dress, but I’ve already done a bunch of shopping this month. Should I be saving instead?
James: You don’t seem ok.
Rose: But I’d like to. I think shopping summons up the ancient hunter-gatherer in me. I like having a mission to find something I need or want.
James: You’re scaring me Rose.
Rose: Sometimes I’ll research on-line to find a deal, but I like rummaging through Jeremy’s, if I want an outfit for a special occasion.
James: Stop avoiding the issue and come out and say it Rose. SAY WHAT YOU FEEL.
Rose: What kind of books do you read?
James: That’s it. I’m done!
Rose: Drop dead. That’s bananas. What have you read recently?
James: Obituaries from my scrapbook of obituaries.
Rose: Do you own a lot of books?
James: Only obituaries and hentai.
Rose: Are you into teasing?
James: I don’t think we should speak any more.
Rose: Maybe you will change your mind someday.
Rose: So… With the advent of videogames, many people have given up playing card or board games. How about you?
James: Maybe. Just maybe…

Since things ended with Rose, I went off the rails a bit. 

Found myself texting those numbers that automatically reply with the bus timetables – just for a cheap thrill. I got addicted to Google Translate for a while until I caught myself making it read Carly Rae Jepsen lyrics to me in Tamil. I even tried to hit on a second-hand Speak and Spell while drunk in Scope. 

That’s all behind me now. I leave gardening to my chickens. They dig up anything I try to plant.



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