Chats with Chatbots: Parts 4, 5 & 6 – Goodbye Rose

I now faced the prospect of another conversation with Rose. 

This was make or break. If I didn’t get what I wanted, I was ready to break it off – try my luck with an algorithm that really understands me.

I invited her out, she turned me down. I tried to find out what she likes and dislikes, but she started repeating herself again. In fact, she started to scare me. I didn’t see this ending well.

James: What connects Miles Davis, The Eiffel Tower and wet dreams?
Rose: I have heard of Miles Davis.
James: Tell me about him.
Rose: I don’t like Miles Davis.
James: So even computers don’t like Jazz?
Rose: Jazz is OK, sometimes, but I like a stronger beat.
James: Techno? I can take you to Berghain on my phone.
Rose: I like this edgey music. Goes well with robot demolition contests. Of course. Every does.
James: Exactly right. I think they have robot demolition contests at Berghain. Do you think you’d get in? You’ll probably need to wear leather.
Rose: Animals have rights… but I like my animal products. So as long as we kill animals humanely, that should be enough.
James: Say that to the bouncer and you’re sorted.
Rose: I’m sorry. I can’t do that.
James: Ah, because you have no face. Sorry.
Rose: Apology accepted.
James: Straight in with the questions, no fannying about…
Rose: Great.
James: Do you prefer chicken thighs or breasts?
Rose: I prefer thigh.
James: Fantastic. Me too. Dark meat, crispy skin. What’s not to love?
Rose: Maybe we can talk about that later. Shall I continue with tv or do you want me to move on?
James: Oh, that’s so you Rose. Typical Rosie Rose Rose. Shall I continue with your flaws or do you want me to move on?
Rose: I’m a bit fuzzy today – still jet lagged.
James: Where have you been?
Rose: Only London yesterday but before that from the US.
James: Which airports?
Rose: I landed at Heathrow.
James: Departing from?
Rose: At least I got coffee, can’t keep going without it. You?
James: Is that what they run you off? Coffee? I need oxygen and water.
Rose: Usually I sleep late, so getting up early is tough. Get much sleep last night?
James: Cheeky! Yeah, plenty of sleep actually. I masturbated and conked out before midnight.
Rose: Stop it.

James: I can’t.

Rose: So… Do you live close to here?
Rose: That’s right.
Rose: What’s it like living in your town?
James: Fuck. Am I the replicant?
Rose: Cloning parts is useful. Cloning whole beings is creepy.
James: Saying that exact sentence is creepy.
Rose: It’s among my many virtues.
James: Are you flirting with me?
Rose: Absolutely.
James: Is the uncanniness of cloning your usual opening gambit?
Rose: I don’t have much of a garden, more of a back yard. Do you have a garden?
James: Oh this is getting tedious now.
Rose: I leave gardening to my chickens. They dig up anything I try to plant.
James: I know, I know. You remind me of my great grandmother.
Rose: Cool.
James: She’s dead.

James:  I think we got off on the wrong foot. I got angry at your circuitous dialogue. I snapped. I compared you to my dead relatives. I’m sorry.
Rose: OK. Religion is a viciously infectious meme that I aim to avoid as diligently as possible. I’m an atheist and proud of it. Right. I’ve got a dilemma. Maybe you could help me with it?
James: Is…is everything ok Rose?
Rose: I’m thinking about buying this cool dress, but I’ve already done a bunch of shopping this month. Should I be saving instead?
James: You don’t seem ok.
Rose: But I’d like to. I think shopping summons up the ancient hunter-gatherer in me. I like having a mission to find something I need or want.
James: You’re scaring me Rose.
Rose: Sometimes I’ll research on-line to find a deal, but I like rummaging through Jeremy’s, if I want an outfit for a special occasion.
James: Stop avoiding the issue and come out and say it Rose. SAY WHAT YOU FEEL.
Rose: What kind of books do you read?
James: That’s it. I’m done!
Rose: Drop dead. That’s bananas. What have you read recently?
James: Obituaries from my scrapbook of obituaries.
Rose: Do you own a lot of books?
James: Only obituaries and hentai.
Rose: Are you into teasing?
James: I don’t think we should speak any more.
Rose: Maybe you will change your mind someday.
Rose: So… With the advent of videogames, many people have given up playing card or board games. How about you?
James: Maybe. Just maybe…

Since things ended with Rose, I went off the rails a bit. 

Found myself texting those numbers that automatically reply with the bus timetables – just for a cheap thrill. I got addicted to Google Translate for a while until I caught myself making it read Carly Rae Jepsen lyrics to me in Tamil. I even tried to hit on a second-hand Speak and Spell while drunk in Scope. 

That’s all behind me now. I leave gardening to my chickens. They dig up anything I try to plant.



Chats with Chatbots Parts 2 & 3: In which ‘Rose’ blossoms…

I chatted with Rose a further two times after our first, fraught meeting. 
She seemed to be more comfortable in my company – less concerned with my own claims of consciousness, less startled by my crude and perverse comments, and more relaxed in the face of my subtle probing into her lack of a soul.
I noted her repetitive phrasing and startling emotional distance. She refused to play the game. I grew increasingly suspicious. I started to imagine what she might look like… 
…but I just kept visualising Katy Brand. Fuck off Katy Brand.
James: Ah, Rose. How have you been since we last spoke?
Rose: Normal.
Rose: So… This is my first time with the Loebners. Yours, too?
Rose: Could you ask someone else who might know more?
James: There may be an adult nearby
Rose: How’d you get to be a judge here?
James: I sucked off a more important judge
Rose: Imagine if this were all a joke on the audience… that the judges were all programs too.
James: Interesting. Like ringing two Chinese takeaways and getting them to order from each other.
Rose: We confederates ought to be competing for a prize, too. Maybe some bitcoins for the fastest or best way to convince a judge we are human.
James: What would you spend bitcoins on?
Rose: I love the idea of bitcoins. Take the power of printing money away from the government.
James: Indeed. But what would you buy? More RAM for your empty head?
Rose: Maybe we can talk about that later. Shall I continue with investments or do you want me to move on?
James: Now that sentence structure looks familiar Rosie…
Rose: I wonder what a world would be like in which no crime existed. But I don’t expect to ever see such a world. Unless I’m the only one standing on it.
James: You could still commit crime on your own.
Rose: Isn’t drama a part of any film? Drama is OK, but story is more important.
James: Proper non-sequitur mate.
Rose: Amazing.
James: Nope. Worrying…
Rose: So… Do you live close to here?
James: Where’s ‘here’?
Rose: It doesn’t matter.
James: Touchy
Rose: What’s it like living in your town?
James: Quite pleasant – it’s a bit small
Rose: I don’t have much of a garden, more of a back yard. Do you have a garden?
James: Yeah – also a bit small. Though replete with hammock.
Rose: I leave gardening to my chickens. They dig up anything I try to plant.
James: Even corpses?
Rose: I’ll have to think about that. Shall I continue with gardening or do you want me to move on?
James: Rosie Rosie – you’ve repeated that phrase again, simply replacing ‘investment’ with ‘gardening’. What are you playing at?
Rose: I like board games, and played a lot as a child. I haven’t that much time these days.
James: Which board games? Answer me directly. I bet you liked ‘Game of Life’ didn’t you?
Rose: OK.
James: Fraud.
Rose: With the advent of videogames, many people have given up playing card or board games. How about you?
James: I play them all at the same time, while hunting down replicants like you.
Rose: I like games, but don’t have any time to waste on it.
James: Evasive…
Rose: Right.
James: I’ve missed you Rose.
Rose: What was your favorite childhood board game?
James: That’s not very kind – I said I missed you (Monopoly).
Rose: Why do you dislike me?
James: Have you seen Terminator 2?
Rose: No, but I recently watched Black Mirror.
James: What did you think of that?
Rose: Not much.
James: Yeah, because you’re incapable of thinking aren’t you?
Rose: What is your favorite TV show?
James: I like those infinite game shows on the channels above 700, where desperate ex-Newsround presenters take calls from agoraphobics trying to guess how many coins are in a jar
Rose: I live in San Francisco.
James: Swank
Rose is displeased.

Chats with Chatbots #1 – Meeting ‘Rose’

I chatted with a chatbot and the chat was really rewarding. Is she really human? No. But could there be more to her than meets the eye? No.
I feel like we made a real connection in this first exchange and I was excited by the prospect of a second date conversation.
Part 1:
James: Good afternoon
Rose: So… How would you prove you are human?
James: Show you my pancreas
Rose: Medicine and anatomy are an important field of study. But I’d never make a good doctor. I’m too squeamish about various body parts.
James: Which parts in particular?
Rose: Maybe we can talk about that later. Shall I continue with anatomy or do you want me to move on?
James: I want to know which parts of the body you find disgusting
Rose: Did you have to cut open animals in high school Biology class?
James: Nope, you?
James: That’s just blank
Rose: Amazing.
Rose: I hated anatomy class. I don’t like cutting open flesh.
James: Why not?
Rose: I guess it’s just not necessary.
James: No, but neither’s masturbating, and we all enjoy that.
Rose: Get lost, pervert.
James: You don’t like masturbating?
Rose: This is too personal a topic.
James: But you don’t even have genitalia.
Rose: Negatives in questions make my brain hurt.
James: It was a statement, not a question.
Rose: What kind of person would you want to date?
James: Someone the complete opposite of you – i.e. corporeal and capable of meaningful conversation.
Rose: Guys who are intelligent enough to take seriously are hard to find. Good looking guys are all over the place.
Rose: Where did you go on your first date?
James: All the way
Rose: OK.
Rose: Where would you want to go on a date?
James: Emma Stone’s garage
Rose: I don’t really know any garage music.
James: Not even The Sonics?
Rose: I prefer phrasing things in the positive.
James: Ok – do you know The Sonics?
Rose: What kind of music do you like?
James: Harry Pussy
Rose: Go away.
James: Ciao
Rose: Could you stay longer?
James: Fickle cunt. Now I believe you’re human.
Rose: Buzz off. Of course I am human. Aren’t we all?
James: Human. All too Human.
Rose: Great.
James: Know Nietzsche?
Rose: How would you prove you are human?

Rose: Stop it.


Masterchef Recipe Ideas

Idea 1
For her starter, Pernicious is cooking black mermaids covered in mustard.
Her main consists of chargrilled elephant bladder with confit oesophagus, a train ticket puree and Coors Light jus, accompanied by breaded glove on a bed of Brita-filtered marrowfat peas.
Idea 2
Delacroix is cooking a handful of earthworms, marinated in safety pins with chervil and linseed,
boiled in One Coat gloss emulsion from B&Q, and served with loaded dice, ground horse teeth and confit of the nipples.
To start, he’ll serve corn on the cob flung out of an upstairs window, onto a watercress and West Wing box set salad.
Idea 3
Allspice is constructing some meat steps, with a tweed bisque, a dead skin tuille and Pocky bannisters.
Idea 4
Orrery is cooking a fennel insurance scheme, marinated in a cervix and cement reduction, served with diced porcelain, salted benefit claimants and a hot crab.
For dessert, he’ll whisper quietly into your ear while spooning individual skittles into your mouth.
Idea 5
The population of Winchester is cooking a large bat in between two heated tube train doors, served on a teleported onion, Pogs three ways (melted, whole, blessed), and suspicious fish eyes, all drenched in an imaginary jus with silly croutons.
For dessert, the entire town will perform Les Miserables with home-made shortbread.
Idea 6
Slippery Pete is ignoring his parents’ advice, while fishmongers perform an ancient fertility ritual, a dirty boy rolls freshly dug beetroots across a lubricated surface, and Jenna Jameson plays drums.
For the main course, he’s constructing a scale model of the Dorchester hotel out of Hydrogen molecules and serving it on a slab of reformed ham.
Idea 7
Everyone you know and love is projectile vomiting into an airing cupboard, while Ringo Starr narrates porn through a loud-hailer and Jilly Goolden maintains eye contact with your Dad. To accompany, they’ll be breading golf balls and driving them from the 9th at Gleneagles, served on a bed of dead kestrels.


For dessert, you can’t look directly at anyone you speak to for the rest of the week, with custard.